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Balding like an embalmed syphilitic tyrant August 10, 2009

Posted by caveblogem in Other.

I try not to be a vain person, really.  I’ve got to admit, however, that having a little mostly bald patch on the top of my head near the back really bothers me.  Try to put my finger on what there is about it that really gets to me and I’d have to guess that it makes me feel like I look weak. It’s stupid.  I am much stronger, and in slightly better shape than any other time in my life, except possibly my late teens.  Something about having hair, but a missing patch, seems worse than no hair at all.

There are few famous people sporting this particular look, which makes it all the worse, of course.  The famous guys my age have rugs or hair plugs or were vain enough to start using monoxidil in their youth.  Some shave their heads, which my wife discourages me from doing.  I was reading last week’s New Yorker and ran across a real gem, though.  Buried in Ian Frazier’s two-part travel narrative about Siberia is the phrase, used to describe a companion, “Lenin-pattern baldness.”

With Lenin-pattern baldness I can still be intimidating and frightening. I find that a comfort, somehow. “Get off my lawn,” bellowed the big guy down the street with Lenin-pattern baldness.

*I should probably note that the title to this post is derived from a line in one of my favorite books, Microserfs, by Douglas Coupland.


1. strugglingwriter - August 11, 2009

I hear ya brother! I’m getting to this point too.

I have contemplated shaving my head, but the wife doesn’t want that. I wish there was some way I could view myself with my head shaved and if I didn’t like it I could just put the hair back on.

Also, I read that New Yorker article about Siberia last night. I didn’t notice that Lenin line. I’ll have to re-read that.

2. prairieflounder - August 11, 2009

I love the joke from Bob-Cat Goldthwaite about balding. Paraphrasing a bit, “The more hair I loose from my head the more I find in my mouth.” He makes pulling motions from the top of his head out of his mouth, “Mental Floss”

I go with the number four clipper cut, mow once a month, and wear a hat. I am also grateful for being blond; it makes the loss look less obvious.

3. SilverTiger - August 11, 2009

My son is bald; I am not. Such are the jokes that nature likes to play.

In this life we have no option but to play the cards we are dealt. Getting back at nature is a game we can all engage in.

How about making a “feature” of your bald spot? Why not get it coloured – green, red or blue spring to mind – or tattooed? But if you get it tattooed, remember that it might increase in size, so you need a design that can be extended. A spider’s web might fill the bill. A colourful spider in the middle would be a useful talking point especially if entomologically accurate.

How about growing the hair below the bald patch to make a pony tail or pigtail? If you can’t disguise something, drawing attention to it is often almost as effective aesthetically.

Oh yes, and don’t forget the sun-screen in hot weather.

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